The Computer Wants You to Have the Right Information

Since I've started collecting Citadel's Paranoia miniatures, I've realized how neglected these minis were in the 1980's and still are today. The range was introduced in 1986, coinciding with the release of HIL Sector Blues, a Paranoia supplement that included rules for using miniatures in the roleplaying game. However, pictures of the miniatures did not appear in the 1986 Spring Journal, the 1987 Spring Journal, Le Héraut Citadel 1986, or the compendious 1988 Catalogue. The low profile continues today: the page for Paranoia on the Stuff of Legends page is just a shell.

As a result of this neglect, it's hard to tell what is and is not a Paranoia miniature. As I mentioned in my last post, Bobby Jackson sculpted some hilarious Paranoia figures for Mongoose Publishing in 2004 - they are slotta based and similar in scale to Citadel, so it is easy to confuse the two from a distance (As I did once on eBay).

William Burroughs said, "Paranoia is just having the right information." And so, I thought I'd provide the right information by reproducing the only two ads for Paranoia Miniatures that appeared in White Dwarf. The first is from  #83 (Nov. 1986) and also appeared in the October 1986 Citadel Flyer:

The second ad appeared in White Dwarf #89 (May 1987) and featured a completely different set of miniatures, including my favourite mini of all time, "David-A-DWS with Hover":

Before leaving Paranoia behind, I wanted to tip my hat to Goblin Lee and his excellent post about the funniest Warhammer 40K Rogue Trader scenarios ever written, Vulture Warriors from Dimension X Meet Plenty of Cheerful Orks with Plasma Cannon from White Dwarf 112 (April 1989). The scenario was written by Ken Rolston (who also authored HIL Sector Blues)  and featured some illustrations by the fabulous Gary Harrod.

Although Games Workshop was already decadent and depraved by 1989, Vulture Warriors from Dimension X Meet Plenty of Cheerful Orks with Plasma Cannon is one of the last gasps of the classic Oldhammer spirit: a playful scenario requiring a Game Master and emphasizing simple DIY terrain and a spirit of role-play (In this sense, VWDXMPCOPC reminds me a lot of All the Nice Dwarves Luv a Sailor). 


The scene for VWDXMPCOPC reads like one of Shakespeare's dramas, although I can't remember which one: an expeditionary force of Troubleshooters from the world of Paranoia is instructed by the Computer to step through an experimental teleportation device, and they re-materialize in the Warhammer 40K universe. Unfortunately, the particular spot of the 40K universe they find is a small Space Ork outpost on an otherwise uninhabited Algae World. As you can imagine, fruitful intercultural communication ensues!

The GM prevents the Orks and Troubleshooters from knowing what they're facing when they explore the outpost (which is meant to be represented by nothing fancier than three box lids supported by styrofoam cups). 

If you're looking for VWDXMPCOPC (and I don't know why you wouldn't), I've posted the entire article HERE so that you can relive the glory.

Space Alert - a game of panic and failure

I often use the phrase "golden age" when referring to the period in the mid-1980's, when Citadel produced their best miniatures. But we are living in another golden age right now -- the age of great board game design. Even the mainstream press has noticed this renaissance, with the Guardian recently observing, "Games are simply getting better. Publishers are turning out products with elegant mechanics and impressive artwork as fast as their customers can snap them up."

I like to bask in both these golden ages at once, mainly by replacing the components in modern games with vintage miniatures. My latest project was enhancing Space Alert, a science fiction board game, by using Paranoia miniatures produced by Citadel and Mongoose Publishing.

What is Space Alert? A solo/cooperative game in which the players control a space craft with a very simple mission: arrive by hyperspace in an uncharted solar system and stay there for 10 minutes, until the ship's computer maps the area and then automatically jumps the ship back home. The players spend the game working together to respond to various threats, including aliens, asteroids and boarders. Their job is made complex by the fact that the ship itself is a piece of trash, with unstable warheads, faulty elevators and a slow computer.

Why is Space Alert worthy of your notice? Well, it is designed by Vlaada Chvátil, who (in my view) is the most creative game designer Europe has to offer. No one is better at giving a game that precious quality which sometimes goes by the name flavour: the ability of a game's rules/mechanics to evoke the underlying setting behind the game. Space Alert has flavour because it has an innovative set of rules that perfectly echo the setting of panic and incompetence on a 3rd rate space ship.

Your ship is specially designed to be crewed by morons.

The 10 minutes that your ship spends in danger is played out in real time, with threats appearing in accordance with a CD recording (or a smartphone app) mimicking the ship computer's announcements. But more than this, the game simulates the frantic bumbling of the ill-trained crew by making everyone plan out what they think they are doing for those precious 10 minutes, without giving anyone a proper chance to ensure that they are actually cooperating. The end result is a short but intense gaming experience, where the players face the high cost of seemingly innocent miscues, like trying to pile two people into the same elevator, or forgetting to shake the central computer's mouse before the screen goes to sleep.

The final judgment: a fast, hilarious game with lots of replay-ability, and a high tolerance for beer impairment.

The original crew

A final note about the miniatures. Space Alert requires miniatures for five crewman, each marked out with a different colour. When I was casting about for minis to use with this game, I quickly fell upon the Citadel Paranoia range. In general theme, both games are similar: science fiction parodies involving incompetence and failure. Even better, the Paranoia miniatures look like most players feel when playing Space Alert: terrified, paralyzed or full of hubris. But my search for the best miniatures led me to discover the excellent sculpts that Bobby Jackson made for Mongoose Publishing circa 2004 for "Paranoia XP". These sculpture are every bit as funny and dramatic as Citadel's original designs, and so I was happy to use Jackson's Praying Troubleshooter as one of my crew. (On eBay, you will often see these Mongoose figures confused with the Citadel range -- and indeed, they are completely compatible in scale and feel).

I filled the role of Blue Captain and the Red Security Officer using Citadel's Paranoia Security Guards. The three remaining crewmen are Troubleshooters wearing overalls, two from Citadel and one from Mongoose. I gave the crew unity of uniform by using the same base colour of blue-grey for overalls and armour (Vallejo Colour's Sombre Grey) -- and then personalized everyone by painting their T-shirts and accents in different primary colours. The result: a much richer experience of this great game!

Hasslefree Miniatures: Promocode and the Art of Gesture

Hasslefree Miniatures is one of the few contemporary miniature makers that I love. And for the next day, Hasslefree Miniatures is offering 11% off with the promocode HAPPY11. This is in celebration of their 11th anniversary. I didn't realize that 11th anniversaries are a thing – it brings to mind Sammy Maudlin’s 23rd Anniversary Special. Well, whatever the number, happy birthday Hasslefree!

I admire Hasslefree, and its principal sculptor, Kev White, for two overlapping reasons. First, they have a clean, simple style that really cuts against the modern trend toward overly detailed miniatures with lots of folds, fobs, straps, jewels, weapons, plates, layers and fringes. The simple, Hasslefree style instead emphasizes the human body, and the face of the miniature. Like the Citadel sculpts of old [steady, nostalgia rage], Kev White knows that the face is what transforms a miniature into a character - and so everything focuses on the face. 

The second thing I love about Hasselfree and Kev White is that they have a distinctive look: smooth lines, understated features and a well-rounded human form (i.e. a normal body fat ratio). But if there was one word I’d use for White’s work, it is gesture. He has a unique ability to evoke the personality of a figure through posture, poses and gestures. As I’ve said before (about a very different man, Bob Olley), a personal style is what makes a miniature sculptor into an artist. You know a White sculpt immediately upon picking it up.

I also have a soft spot for Hasslefree because my first (and only!) commission as a miniature painter was to paint a HF miniature. My friend Matthew asked me if I would paint a miniature rendition of his girlfriend Emily as a Christmas present. We both scoured the internet searching for a likely likeness, a task which is not too easy when you want a realistic portrait of an actual woman, and not an anorexic death nymph with breast implants. I suggested Matthew look at Hasselfree, and he immediately came up with HFA108 Lisa Lambaste, pictured in this post. 

She’s a great figure: resolute without being po-faced. I painted her outfit to match one of Emily's dresses. As with attempting to paint anyone real, the biggest challenge was getting the skin right in tone and shading. This took hours of experimentation, and one pixel out of place could destroy any resemblance to the real Emily. Anyway, this morning I met her for the first time since she received the gift, and she was very appreciative: she said it looks just like her! I couldn't be happier.

Anyway, if you haven’t checked out Hasslefree before, give them a look. They have a great variety of ranges, and are particularly rewarding if you're looking for (strong) female characters. I also like the fact that Hasslefree gives a name to all their minis... this touch gives the models even more of a sense of individuality. 

Below are some of my favourite HF miniatures.

HFA031 Kendra, Hasslefree Miniatures (sculpted by Kev White)

HFH060 Alicia, Hasslefree Miniatures (sculpted by Kev White)

HFE008 Luna, Hasslefree Miniatures (sculpted by Kev White)

HFG450G Grymn Walker, Hasslefree Miniatures (sculpted by Kev White)

Citadel's Paranoia Miniatures

The Paranoia miniatures produced by Citadel from 1985-1987 are among the most under-appreciated ranges produced in the golden age of Games Workshop. Paranoia is a post-apocalyptic game set in a subterranean city combining the surveillance of Orwell, the bureaucracy of Kafka and the sensibility of Spaceballs. 

But more than this, Paranoia was the first meta role-playing game: a game that mocked and inverted the conventions of other RPGs. Nothing in that game was fair -- for instance, my first character was slain by a random encounter named "Wandering Damage". Indeed, player characters were actively discouraged from even learning the rules of the game, since that could be interpreted as seditious knowledge. The result was a game that promoted willful ignorance, uncertainty and betrayal among players, all in the name of good fun.

When Citadel obtained the licence for Paranoia miniatures from West End Games, it had a great excuse to explore the comic possibilities of miniature sculpting. The results are almost unequaled for humor: neat, simple figures in overalls or padded armour, each one convulsed with despair, terror or denial. Some models are attempting to defend themselves with vacuum cleaners -- some are paralyzed with indecision -- some are just running for their lives. They remind me of how I would look if I was being attacked by an alien menace. In this sense, these miniatures are a refreshing antidote to the grim, heroic figures that populate most fantasy and science fiction, including Warhammer and Rogue Trader.

Sadly I can't find any evidence about who sculpted these miniatures. My suspicion is that Aly Morrison is the guilty party. The pronounced cheekbones and gangley limbs in the Paranoia figures are Morrison hallmarks. And the Paranoia figures also bear a striking resemblance to some of Morrison's early Imperial Guardsmen, leading to the intriguing question of how Paranoia's aesthetic influenced the development of Warhammer 40K's Imperial Army. In any case, Morrison was always the most impish of Citadel sculptors, so the Paranoia figures would be in his wheelhouse. 

Besides being used (of course) in a game of Paranoia, I've always thought that Citadel's Paranoia range make an ideal addition to any game of Warhammer 40K -- perhaps as civilians, crew members, or poorly trained units of a planetary defence force. In a proper game of refereed Rogue Trader, these miniatures could provide vital parts of a story or mission. Be that as it may, I was inspired to track down and paint a body of these miniatures for a very different purpose: I wanted to play Vlaada Chvátil's "Space Alert" with miniatures worthy of his superb game... 

So stay tuned for a brief discussion of Space Alert in my next post.

Bob Olley's Black Orcs: the best of Iron Claw Miniatures

It has taken me 3 years and much treasure to collect all 12 of the original IC601 Black Orcs sculpted by Bob Olley and released by Iron Claw in 1988. Immediately upon receiving the last orc in the mail, I set to work painting them. From priming to final varnish, it took me one month. I was anxious to add some muscle to the anemic ranks of my small orc army, Krapfang's Backwood Bandits. But more than that, I was looking forward to creating a colour scheme that would do these very odd miniatures justice.

Black Orcs by Iron Claw Miniatures, IC601 (sculpted by Bob Olley, 1988)

As I discussed last week, the virtue and vice of all Olley miniatures from the mid-1980's is that his sculptures rarely blend with other Warhammer miniatures. His figures are squat, swollen and big-headed. But they are also textured, bizarre and arresting. For my purposes, I relished the clash of styles. Black Orcs are supposed to be a separate race from their green-skinned cousins, so the strange, hairy physiognomy of Olley's figures would underline this biological fact. Indeed, I wanted my Black Orcs to stand out like super-beings from the rest of my army.

I tried to make my painting as strange as the miniatures themselves. The organizing idea of my paint job was a juxtaposition between the dark skin and dirty furs on one hand -- and on the other hand, a tight pattern of ultraviolet colours for armour, shields and accents. The skin tone is Vallejo's "USA Olive Drab" with small additions of orange for lips, pink for pimples and pale green for other highlights. I tried (perhaps unsuccessfully) to keep the skin tones mellow. Meanwhile, the blues and purples were meant to give these villains the illusion of phosphorescence, like a glowing fungus in a cave.

Painting a Bob Olley miniature is a constant process of discovery, as you notice new flourishes and artistry, especially around the face. I had a blast with their flabby lips, exposed gums, overbites, underbites and boils. At times, I felt like these models were painting themselves, since the highly textured surface would take highlights with very little effort -- I just had to let the brush find its own way across the surface of the skin and fur. From soup to nuts, they were a pleasure to paint. Thanks, Mr. Olley!

UPDATE March 2015: For another take on painting Bob Olley's Black orcs, check out Goblin Lee's superb, Tolkien-inspired set.

Bob Olley and Iron Claw: the Weird Turn Pro

Bob Olley was the most artistic miniature sculptor during Citadel's golden age of the mid-1980's. I wouldn't say he was the best sculptor; that is a matter of taste. Nor was he the most popular (I've seen his sculptures described as "chubby" and "fungoid"). And he certainly wasn't the most prolific - he only created a handful of ranges, including Norse Dwarves, Skeletons, Space Pirates, and (my favourite) Black Orcs.

Black Orc by Iron Claw Miniatures, IC601 (sculpted by Bob Olley, 1988)

So why is Olley the most artistic? Oscar Wilde said "art is the most intense mode of individualism that the world has known". If you take this as a rough definition of art, then Olley was a true artist. Most Citadel minis reflect the world of Warhammer. Bob Olley's miniatures reveal something about Bob Olley. Something weird. He combined an idiosyncratic sculpting style with a fevered vision of the fantastic. The resulting body of work is totally different from that of his peers. Whether you like them or not, you know a Bob Olley sculpture the moment you see it.

Olley didn't work in the studio with the other Citadel sculptors, which may have insulated him from their influence. In any case, I think Olley's individual style is the reason why, starting in 1987, Olley's miniatures were produced by Citadel but released under Olley's own label, Iron Claw. His strangely proportioned and hyper-textured models didn't fit in with any other range. And indeed, I think this limited his popularity: Olley's miniatures stuck out from other Citadel miniatures like visitors from another dimension.

But popularity isn't everything. What I prize in a miniature is a sense of personality, combined with true imagination. Olley has both qualities by the spoonful. Heads and hands are the most expressive element to any miniature, and one of Olley's hallmarks is over-sizing these features. His huge faces attract the viewer's eye, and give him a broad canvass to turn each miniature into a character (often, a very funny character). 

The other hallmark of Iron Claw miniatures is a deeply carved texture. This gives the minis a layered effect, with shaggy furs, warty skin and thick beards piled on top of each other. In this sense, Olley was a master at translating the defining artwork of John Blanche and Gary Chalk into lead.


In my view, Olley's artistic flare is emphasized by the fact that he didn't actually need to sculpt that way. He's perfectly capable of making miniatures that look like everyone else's miniatures when he wants to. There are dozens examples of "normal" looking miniatures in his body of work, although I own only one of them: the Demonic Lasher from Reaper Miniatures (2003). 

This miniature is another example of Olley capturing the essence of a great fantasy illustrator -- in this case, the sketch of the demon prince Demogorgon from first edition Advanced Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual (1977). It's a pretty odd concept for a miniature, but Olley's sculpt is no weirder than the original picture by David Sutherland III (aka DCS). All of which is to say, I love this mini, but it doesn't have the eccentric carving style of a true Olley.

Demogorgon, Prince of Demons

Next week, I'll feature a full set of Bob Olley's true originals: the Black Orcs he produced for Iron Claw in 1988.

Oldhammer Battle Report: Orcs vs. Skaven

Despite collecting miniatures, painting miniatures, and writing about miniatures all the time, I haven't actually gotten a chance to play 3rd edition Warhammer for over 15 years. So I was delighted when my fellow Oldhammer fanatic, 24_Cigarettes, asked out of the blue if I wanted to meet up in Toronto and throw a game together. His beautifully painted and based Skaven Army, Clan Scourge, showed up at my house yesterday with half-a-case of beer and a bottle of whisky, and we set to work.

The home team was represented by my 1000 point Orc army, Krapfang's Backwood Bandits. For those of you out there who are curious about how to throw together a deadly orc force, I encourage you to skip over the following army list, which betrays my utter lack of experience at actually trying to beat anyone in a game. My orcs eschew everything that would actually help them win: magic ("no sissy stuff"), goblin fanatics ("dey harsh da mellow") and war machines ("wot, are yoo lot stunties?"). I just wanted a big army that got the maximum amount of my lead on the table.

Gritstool's Nasty Gits get ready for the coming battle with the rat-men

Krapfang's Backwood Bandits

Krapfang's Tin Kan Kommandoes
14 Orc Bigguns (+1 elites) with light armour, shields, spears + standard bearer and musician
(168 pts)

Lead by Krapfang Toothshyte, Lvl. 15 Orc hero with light armour and shield
(91 pts)

Gritstool's Nasty Gits
9 Orc Boyz with light armour, shields, spears + standard bearer and musician
(104.5 pts)

Lead by Captain Gritstool the Uncongenial, Lvl. 5 Orc hero with light armour and shield
(36 pts)

Harboth's Black Mountain Boyz
10 Orc Arrer Boyz with bows, shields + standard bearer and musician
(102 pts)

Vape Softbladder's Gobbo Greatmob
19 Gobbos with javelins, shields + standard bearer and musician
(73.5 pts)

Lead by Prince Vape Softbladder, Lvl. 15 Goblin with shield
(41 pts)

Smarmy's Swift Backtrakkers
10 Goblin Stikkas with short bows
(35 pts.)

Warspoor's Wulfboyz
8 Gobbo Wulfboyz with spears + standard bearer and musician
(100 pts)

Rotwang Bawbag the Giant
(250 pts)

Total = 1001 points

The orcs deploy in a long line while the Skaven player positions his Clanrats in a tight formation. The Giant anchors the orc middle. This was a mistake.

On the other hand, Clan Scourge was a model of elegant design. It was certainly not the work of rules-lawyer or a win-at-all-costs competitor, Rather, 24_Cigarettes' Skaven army was simple, balanced and very ratty. The centerpiece of his force was two huge units of Clanrats, each bolstered with a Clan Skyre Warpfire Thrower (to punish the orcs for keeping their distance) and a Clan Pestilens Plague Censor Bearer (to punish the orcs for getting too close).  

"Arl need 'nuther cider fore I bash dem ratters."

The battle started off with my Giant Rotwang failing his drunkenness roll and showing up for the battle snozzled. Instead of charging into the ratters like a good boy, he sort of staggered toward stage left, giving the Skaven Warpsquealer time to cast Cause Panic upon him. Under the influence of this spell, Rotwang caught a terrifying glimpse of sobriety and booked it off the battlefield. The rest of my army marched doggedly up the centre and into a hurricane of Skaven flame, fumes and Jezzail shot. Only a feeble green rump emerged from this onslaught, and it was no match for the massive phalanxes of unhurt Clanrats. A daring flank attack by Warspoor's Gobbo Wulfboyz offered a glimmer of redemption, but it was only a glimmer: the tide of rats swamped the orcs and drove them from the field. 

The orcs attempt to flank the skaven, but are decimated on the right by the fiery weapons of Clan Skyre and menaced on the left by the rat ogres of Clan Moulder.

"Oi boss! Why are doz big 'airy finks coming dis way?"

From the safety of the far left flank, the small unit of goblin archers watches the rest of the army getting eaten. In their extreme terror, they have a vision of a cider.

Besides being beaten like a gong, I had a great afternoon. Seeing two carefully painted armies on a table is among the most satisfying feelings I know (leaving unnamed a few other satisfying feelings). To make matters even better, 24_Cigarettes is a mensch, and I can now look forward to many future afternoons of drinking and fighting. I just need to work on army design, and keeping my Giant (if not myself) on the wagon.

UPDATE: Check out my opponent's write-up of the same battle (including his Skaven army list) here: Full Ashtray Gaming